About Tattoos
“Show me a man with a tattoo and I’ll show you a man with an interesting past.” - Jack London
It’s been a long (l-o-n-g) time since my last blog post - 119 days, to be exact. How did I occupy myself during that ridiculously elongated break, you ask?
Well, there were all those major holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, National Margarita Day... Each of those occasions was spent not traveling, not gathering in large groups, not going to restaurants, not going to concerts, cowering in our house, bathing in solutions of 70% alcohol at regular intervals. In other words, I’ve been doing what most of the earth’s population has been doing: nada.
Another thing I wasn’t doing much of, which no one else was doing either, but which events in our nation’s capital, events in the streets of our inner cities, and the nefarious activities of a submicroscopic infectious agent had us all thinking about was... (you guessed it) getting tattoos.
One of the greatest tolls this pesky pandemic has had on our society is the unbearable stress and mounting emotional frustration of being unable to go under the needle for fresh ink.
I’m sure you’ll agree that one of the greatest tolls this pesky pandemic has had on our society is the unbearable stress and mounting emotional frustration of being unable to go under the needle for fresh ink. When the tattoo parlors were forcibly shut down last year, everything went to hell in a handbasket.
I realize this is a very sensitive subject, but I think talking about it could help bring healing.
Like other controversial issues, such as COVID masks, COVID vaccines, and whether or not Tom Brady is truly the G.O.A.T., views on tattoos are polarized into two divergent camps: zealous afficionados and hardline haters. This gulf speaks volumes about how divided our country has become. I remember a time, not that long ago, when EVERYONE hated tattoos. But look at us now! What has happened to this nation???
“My tattoo is that I don’t have a tattoo.” - Michael J. Fox
I’d like to ask haters to set aside their personal opinions for a moment and imagine a better world, a world where people not only realize how amazing Tom Brady is, but get tattoos of his smiling, kind-a arrogant face plastered onto their shoulders. That kind of world.
Think about it. Without tattoos, our lives would be very bland indeed. Imagine David Beckham without tats. He’d just be a blond pretty boy who can make a soccer ball defy the laws of physics. Or Justin Bieber. Without all that ink, he’s nothing more than a bratty, Canadian Gen Z who thinks he can sing. But with his generous array of tattoos, he’s a bratty, Canadian Gen Z who thinks he can sing and, when he takes off his shirt, is entertaining to look at. (“Is that supposed to be a gargoyle or is that a portrait of his mother?”)
Then you’ve got the heavily tatted Adam Levine. It has been scientifically proven that his tattoo sleeves are what enable him to move like Jagger! And don’t forget Post Malone. Those face tattoos - which, IMO, are a super bad idea - made everyone want to buy Doritos.
As you can see, tats play an essential role in our society. And after that exhaustive and compelling argument, I’m sure some of you haters are starting to soften your stance. You’re thinking to yourself: “Maybe tattoos aren’t so bad. Maybe they aren’t just for gang members and prison inmates. In fact, maybe, just maybe, I would look cool with a tattoo!”
“If the body is a temple, then tattoos are its stained glass windows.” -Sylvia Plath
Well, I’m glad you’re coming around. But before you head to your local parlor - which has finally reopened! - to have a lovely skull and crossbones carved into your calf, there are a few other things you should know about tattoos. Namely:
Pain
“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” You probably recognize that line from the film, The Princess Bride. It’s true of life and even more true of tats: they hurt like Beelzebub. Sometimes even more. And during that forever of intense pain, you might be tempted to think: “Why am I doing this?! Why am I paying someone to hurt me?? Why am I paying to be tortured?!”
The answer, of course, is that you know it will be worth it in the end. You also know that after all the stinging and burning and whining, when you have handed over your hard-earned money and now can’t afford to pay the mortgage, you’ll have a permanent piece of art that, whether you like it or not, will always (emphasis: ALWAYS) be part of you and which, if you aren’t really careful, will get infected and land you in the E.R. But don’t worry: post-tat amputation and foreclosure are the exceptions, not the rule.
Anguish
It’s never a good idea to put something on your body that you’ll be tired of or that won’t be relevant/appropriate in a few years. Singer James Arthur is the poster child for this. He had 25 tattoos. In the last few years, he has had several removed and/or covered up because he no longer likes them and/or he broke up with the girl represented in them. He recently said that he’s going to have all of them removed in order to go into acting. Good luck with that, James.
Poorly applied tattoos are also a concern. Not all artists are equal. You might regret getting NO REGRETS on your neck, especially if your artist spells phonetically. The internet is filled with cautionary tattoo fails. Even a cursory viewing will give you an extra something to be thankful for.
Freakishness
Because tattoos are cool and can be fun conversation starters (if you don’t get infected and die), some people go overboard. We’ve all seen those folks at the store in their pajamas, sporting plumber cracks, who have used up all of their available skin space. They’ve got portraits and messages and illustrations and symbols trailing along their necks, across their skulls and foreheads, up and down their legs, arms, chests, decorating their fingers and eyelids… They now qualify as circus acts. There’s a name for these folks: Walmart customers.
Unless you aspire to be profiled as a freakish, Wally World regular, exercise discernment in selecting the subject matter, placement, and number of your tats. Sometimes, as architect Ludwig Mies van der Rohe once put it: Less is more.
“Less is more.” - Ludwig Mies van der Rohe
In conclusion, getting a tattoo is a commitment. Short of James Arthur-style laser removal, each tat will be with you for the long haul. So if you decide to take the plunge, please remember these important tips:
· Choose images carefully.
· Avoid dyslexic tattoo artists.
· Don’t become a walking billboard.
· Never go to the store in your pajamas.
And if you’re serious about getting a tattoo, you better hurry up. Once the next pandemic hits (you know it’s coming), tats will again become a black market item. You’ll have to slink into some sketchy alley on the southside of town to have a guy named Freddie-Jay give you the prison-style treatment with an electrified ballpoint pen. And most of the time, that’s a bad idea.