So Long, Groot!
If you are considering purchasing a Jeep, there are a couple of things you need to know before plunking down your hard-earned savings and signing up for the ensuing “life is good” outdoor adventure, as well as the accompanying “life sucks” financial misery. First, Jeeps are the best. Second, Jeeps are the worst.
By Jeeps, I am, of course, referring to Wranglers - both two and four door. The rest of the so-called Jeeps are fakes and imposters. While they might have the familiar logo glued to their bumper or frame, they do not qualify as bona fide Jeeps. The Jeep Compass? Nope. Jeep Renegade? Nope. Jeep Cherokee - Grand or otherwise...? Huh-uh. The jury is still out on Gladiators, but as of this writing, it’s Wrangler or nothing.
The reason is simple: Wranglers are the quintessential Jeep, the Jeep that goes where no other vehicles go, the only truly off-road model in the Jeep brand. Wranglers are the brave Jeeps. The bad-ass Jeeps. And, yes, the crazily-expensive-because-they-are-always-needing-repairs Jeeps. Wranglers - especially if they are lifted, have custom parts, are equipped with a winch... - are bank-account draining, you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me money pits.
Oh, and the inevitable big-dollar abyss should not be confused with the actual cliff that you might plummet off of if your Jeep decides to learn the wobble. No, not the line dance everyone pretends to know at weddings. I’m talking about the infamous... (insert music here from Psycho) death wobble.
Not long after we procured Groot (another Jeep thing: you gotta name them), it developed a wicked death wobble. If you’ve never heard of this problem, imagine experiencing a horrifying, 9.9 earthquake while doing 60 or 70 MPH on the highway and being forced to ditch onto the shoulder while seeing your life flash before your eyes and wondering who will feed the dogs after your demise. It looks something like this, except the Rock isn’t around to rescue you with his handy-dandy chopper. That’s the death wobble.
Fortunately, we got Groot’s death wobble fixed. Unfortunately, it cost approximately a bazillion dollars because getting it fixed meant getting it kinda fixed, then sort of fixed, then fixed again, and finally pretty much fixed. Until about two years later, when (insert Jaws music here) the wobble returned.
In addition to the death wobble, the entire front end croaked on us. Yeah, money, money, everywhere - except in our bank account.
If you’ve never heard of the death wobble, imagine experiencing a horrifying 9.9 earthquake while doing 60 or 70 MPH on the highway and being forced to ditch onto the shoulder while seeing your life flash before your eyes and wondering who will feed the dogs after your demise.
But that’s enough gloom and doom. Remember, there’s an upside to Jeeps. They’re fun! They’re cool! They can go anywhere (unless they happen to be death wobbling). The top comes off. The doors come off. They are a rolling advertisement for summertime recreation - four-wheeling through the mud on a hot afternoon.
Another great part of Jeep ownership is that you are welcomed into a very special, tight-knit subculture. Jeepers hang together. Check the parking lot the next time you’re at the store - they park next to each other. Even if they don’t know each other, they still mysteriously congregate. Jeepers also speak a common language. They have similar dreams - dreams that involve fewer death wobbles, fewer trips to the repair shop, blowing cash on a wide variety of accessories to pimp their rides, and recklessly playing around in the wide open spaces.
Jeep drivers even have their own wave. It’s an insider thing, like a secret handshake. Only Jeep Wrangler (“real” Jeep) drivers are allowed to do the wave. It goes like this:
Say you’re driving along, minding your own business, wondering if the next big bump will send your wonderful Jeep into a wobbling episode that truly ends in death and orphans your dogs, when along comes another real Jeep. Whether you’re on a two-lane road or an eight-lane freeway, you both know what to do: flash the wave.
There are a few variations of the Jeep wave, but I go with the thumb and first two fingers on one hand. I like to use my right hand, simply because it tends to be on top of the steering wheel. Some people use the left. A few even shoot the wave out the window, or out of a missing door.
Sadly, I’ve given my last Jeep wave. For a while, anyway. You see, we recently bid a fond farewell to Groot. (sniff!) Yeah, I know. It was a difficult parting. But Fran and I both realized it was time.
There are many things we’ll miss about Groot. It took us to Moab, Zion, Santa Fe, and countless trailheads and camping spots all over Colorado. But despite the fun factor, Groot’s repair bills had been steadily rising and were beginning to rival the national debt. So we cried uncle and traded it in.
I’m going to miss the Jeep wave too. It gets to be a habit that’s hard to break. Post-Groot, I’ve found myself driving along in our pickup, forgotten it’s not a Jeep, and shot some Jeeper the wave. The usual response is a vacant stare. But occasionally, someone will be respond to my audacity with a wave of a different sort - a less friendly wave that only involves one finger.
Jeeps. You gotta love them. And then, you gotta let them go and be willing to give them that final Jeep wave goodbye. So long, Groot!