Ok, so this isn’t an experiment, per se. And it’s not exactly big. There are no clear parameters, no hypotheses, no theories or theorems, no control group, no placebos or para diddle s. I am not proposing that the sum of the angles of an isosceles triangle will solve the mystery of our constipated supply chain or that the square root of x, divided by y will equal the z that answers the eternal question: Why is La B rea so bad when the previews looked so promising?

No.

Instead, I’m just giving an idea a shot and calling it a “big experiment” because it sounds more like a real deal and less like another one of my harebrained schemes.

Here’s the thing: I’m replacing my phone with a book.

With that wandering preamble, here’s the thing: I’m replacing my phone with a book. While that might sound silly (maybe it is) and nonsensical (how do you text with a book?) there’s a method to my madness.

Here’s the second thing: I find myself looking at my phone approximately 7.352 bizillion times a day. I consult it for the time, the weather, text messages, email, and occasionally, to play a little game called Trivia 360.

What I don’t use my phone for is phone calls. Pretty much ever. I receive several important calls each day offering to extend my vehicle’s warranty, reduce my student loan, and notifying me that someone has used my Amazon account to purchase an iPhone. Then I spend a few minutes blocking these solicitors, which, I realize, will absolutely not keep them from calling again, yet is somehow uniquely satisfying - “Blocked!” (insert ma niac al laughter here)

However, by far, the biggest time suck on my phone is Facebook. I’m not saying Facebook is an evil internet construct devised by a selfish, greedy, immature misogynist pinhead that has, as its singular goal, total control of planet earth. I’m not saying that because that’s obvious. What I am saying is that Facebook, for me, is stupidly addictive. I find myself routinely falling into a black hole, watching really, really dumb videos, shaking my head at really, really dumb political posts, blinking in amazement as people I don’t know bitch, moan, complain, and desperately share the minute details of their lives with the world. What the...??

In between seeing and liking quality posts from my bona fide friends (approximately .001% of my time on Facebook), I allow myself to be carried along by a river of inane, mind-numbingly pointless and/or angry rants and random ridiculousness posted by FB acquaintances that aren’t really even acquaintances. Why?

Recently, I had an epiphany (or maybe it was a eureka moment, not sure).

The answer has to do with self-discipline - i.e. I apparently have none. It’s easier to scroll merrily along, slack-jawed, eyes glazed over, than do something constructive. Recently, I had an epiphany (or maybe it was a eureka moment, not sure). Like a weight-challenge individual who decides it’s finally time to start an exercise program, I decided I was going to do something about my Facebook fixation.

I’m not boycotting Facebook. I’m not deleting it from my phone. I’m not going to stop posting or liking my friends’ posts forever and ever, amen. (Editor’s Note: a couple of weeks ago, we posted a photo of our Halloween costumes on a Van Gogh group and got over 2,000 likes! I can only assume that was our 15 minutes of fame.) But here’s what I am going to do: for the next week, every time I’m bored and feel compelled to open the app and start wading through the hot mess on my timeline, I plan to just say no to this urge and - get this - pick up an actual book and read it.

I know. It’s madness!

Coincidentally, I own a lot of old-school, printed-on-paper books. I have poetry, novels, memoirs, devotionals, biographies, short story collections, travelogues... So instead of reaching for my phone to snack on online junk food, when the temptation arises, I am going to engage my self-discipline, crack open a bona fide book and do some mental calisthenics.

This could be risky. There are many unknowns. Questions remain. Will this improve my IQ or sink it? Will it enhance my mood or bum me out? Will it be difficult to wean off of Facebook? Will I suffer withdrawals and/or extreme FOMO? Will I get a nasty email from Mark Z. demanding that I log on immediately or be tossed into Facebook jail?

No idea.

What I do know is this: 1. I waste a lot of time scrolling when I have nothing better to do, and 2. I always complain about not having enough time to read.

Boom! Problem solved.

I always complain about not having enough time to read. Boom! Problem solved.

This morning, I know I’ll be tempted. So I have three Facebook substitutes sitting on my desk, ready to be called into action: American Sniper, American Visions: The Epic History of Art in America, and The Treasure of (wait for it...) American Poetry. Purely coincidental. But very patriotic, right? And since tomorrow is Veterans Day...

Post Script: I’ll report back next time, telling you all about the wonderful benefits of breaking free from the restrictive tethers of Facebook or... possibly... confessing that I only lasted for a couple of hours before falling off the wagon and FB binging. We’ll see.