Last Sunday morning, my wife, Fran and I had a life-altering experience. Well, maybe not life-altering. Let’s call it significant. Or, maybe tone that down slightly and go with “different in a good way.” Yeah. Different by about 7 x 5 inches.

I’m referring to an event that hasn’t occurred in over a year, something we’ve dreamed of, wished for, and, at times, thought we might not ever get to do again. No, it has nothing to do with binge watching This is Us. I’m talking about going to the gym without wearing masks!

I’m not kidding. We waltzed right in with our faces COMPLETELY exposed feeling a little uncomfortable and a lot naked!

Note to Trolls: While I will be discussing the highly controversial subject of masks, please be advised before you start your heckling: I don’t care. If you think we should all wear masks from now until kingdom come, good for you! If you are convinced that masks are a totalitarian crock of crap, great! Have fun with that!

Lest you report us to A. Fauci and Company, be assured that we are fully vaccinated, thus have been given the green light by the infamous CDC to engage in the formerly high risk behavior of exercising without facial coverings.

Second Note to Trolls: Yeah, I know. I said the dreaded “v” word and am now going to hell in a handbasket. Get over it.

My point here is NOT to debate the mask issue (or grapple over vaccines). My point is this: at long last, the powers that rule this great nation of ours, in their inestimable wisdom, have decided that, if you done got yer shots, you don’t have to double wrap your face all the live long day. To which my response is an unapologetic and full-blown: Woohoo!

Whether or not masks are effective in keeping airborne nasties from infiltrating our bodies, they were, for a long (l-o-n-g) time the “do-this-or-else” of the land. As such, I wore one to the gym, to the store, to the... Wait, that’s it. I never went anywhere else. But I obediently complied because that’s my jam. (Here’s the peanut butter that goes with it to make my brand of sandwich). I also wear a seatbelt in the car. I wear a helmet when I go mountain biking and skiing. I wear shoes and a shirt when the sign says I won’t get service if I don’t. And I never wear pajamas in Walmart. That’s just how I roll.

So back to masks - what I’ve realized during these past few days of facial freedom is this: while they are mostly an annoying pain in the you-know-what, masks also have their upside. Especially in the gym. Let me explain.

While they are mostly an annoying pain in the you-know-what, masks also have their upside.

Sure, they make it hard to breathe, which happens to be rather important if your goal is staying alive. So in the gym, wearing a mask seems to put you at a disadvantage - i.e. you sometimes feel like you’re about to pass out. However, professional and Olympic athletes routinely wear devices that purposefully limit their oxygen intake in order to strengthen their lungs and hearts for competition. These sophisticated training masks enhance endurance by replicating high-altitude conditions. They can be pricey and they look like something Hannibal Lector would wear. My Crunch Fitness Rona mask, on the other hand, accomplishes the same basic function, limiting airflow. It is much less Silence of the Lambs-ish and only set me back $3. What a bargain, right?

In addition to making me a better athlete (if I can keep from suffocating and keeling over), wearing a mask also offers a unique sense of privacy and anonymity. When I walk into the gym in a hoodie, a baseball cap, gloves, earbuds, and a mask, I’m both unrecognizable and cozily sequestered in my own little workout world. If I drop a weight on my foot or get trapped under a bar, I’m just some run-of-the-mill dweeb - NOT an easily identifiable dweeb. And, on the way home, if I have the time, I can knock off a convenience store or throw down with a passing gang without the fear of getting fingered in a lineup. It’s a win-win!

Then there’s the whole music thing. If you’re not wearing a mask and you sing along to whatever is playing in your earbuds, you are labeled a wackadoo. I know this because a guy at our old, pre-pandemic gym did that all the time. We nicknamed him “Country” because he was always belting out off-key lyrics to songs by Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney, et al. With a mask, no one is quite sure who’s responsible for the terrible, a cappella cover of Boot Scootin’ Boogie.

Masks also allow us to make fashion statements. They let us express our personality in an unmistakable way. For instance, while I don’t have a Vincent Van Gogh hat, I do have a Vincent Van Gogh mask. I don’t own a jalapeño pepper t-shirt, but I’ve got a jalapeño pepper mask. No American flag/skull hoodie but... yep, got the mask. I own colorful abstracts, jean-style, even dress masks (for those formal occasions). And while people might miss your “I Brake For Armadillos” socks, they’ll be sure to see that slogan if it’s plastered across your face.

They were an inconvenience that became a habit that evolved into a lifestyle. It will take a little while to get used to going mask-free.

Given all of the bennies surrounding masks, you can understand why I’m a tiny bit sad to see them go. They were an inconvenience that became a habit that evolved into a lifestyle. It will take a little while to get used to going mask-free. (I might even put one on, now and then, just to reminisce about the good ol’ COVID days.) But I’m definitely not throwing any of them out. No, sir. I’ll wash them, fold them, and place them neatly in a dresser drawer so they will be readily available for the next pandemic. Date of arrival: TBD.